Well it turns out that my dear little dog was pregnant after all. I called her yesterday morning and she didn't come, so I called her again and she came to me with a little dead puppy in her mouth. Needless to say that yesterday was A Very Bad Day. I cried ALL day, as soon as I stopped for a while I would think of how I let her down and I would start crying again. We went to the vet and she got a shot of oxytocin to make sure her uterus is empty and we will try again soon and next time we will be doing it The Sheridan Way, which is also known as the anally retentive nerdy way, by the book.

I feel like punching myself in the face for relying on a certain person who knows about these things who let me down very badly. I asked this person about 5 times to please come over and check if Apple was pregnant, and I just relied on them too much and they did nothing and I am extremely angry at myself for relying on a stupid unreliable person rather than doing it the way I would normally do it. In fact they did less than nothing because they have the knowledge to help but didn't and furthermore advised me that getting an ultrasound was a waste of money because it should be obvious. Well, it wasn't obvious and I got it wrong, thanks for nothing. I will be trusting my own instincts from now on thanks.

Anyway, this could turn into a rant, but all I will say is that I am a bit broken at the moment and feel like lashing out because the guilt is nearly doing me in. I didnt think she was pregnant so I didn't make any preparations for her, and I know they have them in the wild all the time (thank you dear people who have tried to make me feel better with this *hugs*, but I know in my heart that I let her down and I let her puppy down).

Dear little Apple, next time I will not let you down. Next time I will get you an ultrasound and we will know for sure, and on your due date I will be staying awake all night watching you in your special little whelping box where is warm and safe and private so you can have your babies safely.

Better go, I am very much "not over it" yet.