I deleted my last post about the nasty gossip because I am tired of this person having control over my feelings. I have a great life, I have worked very very hard to have this life, it hasn't all been plain sailing for me, there has been a lot to overcome and there is still a lot that I have to ignore to remain happy. I wish I didn't have to do this but I am not the only person in the world who still suffers from the residue of a less than ideal childhood but I am here now and that person doesn't get to share in it and that's of some comfort.

Its a good lesson to me and one I continue to be very conscious of in the way I raise my son. I want him to want to be around me when he is old enough to make that choice. Its not difficult to achieve, in fact, its difficult to stuff it up, but I am proof that some people do.

I take full credit for the life I have now. I didn't have a fantastic upbringing, it was very average, less than ideal in many respects. I don't look back on it with a feeling of happiness or nostalgia. I have blocked alot of it out and can't recall it without great effort anyway. It didn't set me up for a life of great happiness I know that much. Even the ordinary life I live is a long way from what I thought I would end up with and what I was raised to believe I deserved. I don't mean 'what was expected of me' I mean how I was treated, how I was spoken to, the things that were done for me and the things that were done to me all gave me messages of what I deserved. And most of it wasn't messages to give a great sense of self worth. It hasn't been all that easy to overcome really, and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever really overcome it at all. Staring it down is all I have managed to do, but even that is an achievement I suppose.

I am trying to be emotionally healthy, to be normal. That's all I ever really wanted for myself, and I want the next generation to evolve. I want my children to be more than that, I want them to actually be happy. I am happy now, but it was hard work to get here. I want bubby to start off from there.

Its not easy and sometimes the past catches up with me and pulls at my shirt tail and drags me backwards. Sometimes it trips me up when I am least expecting it. All I can do is resist it, but trying to keep the mask on at the same time turns into a bit of a juggling act.

I am gritting my teeth through it at the moment. I know it will pass, it always does. Just gotta keep all the balls in the air till then and protect my lovely home and family from getting tainted by it.

I will do it.