We are on day three of Snot Watch. Still can't join the gym because bubby still has a cold. Its not a bad one, bit of a cough and of course the snot, but I can't take him out in public.

I am not sure whether or not to take him to Playgroup tomorrow. That is where he caught the cold, so maybe we will just return the favour.

Booked the wedding tickets, or should I say Elopement tickets. Elopement, elopement. Just us and the beach. I have to find a dress. My new hobby is looking at dresses on the internet, I am addicted to it. I love seeing the pics out of the catalogue and then the pictures of it on a real woman, the difference is...hilarious.

I need a job to help pay for this wedding. It has already cost more than I have told my darling fiance, whoops. Maybe I will sell all my maternity clothes on ebay.

I went and got a test patch done for VPL today. Variable Pulse Laser. Zaps freckles and uneven pigmentation.

So now I have to wait two weeks to see what happens and then I can make an appointment to go and get my freckles zapped.

It hardly hurt, nothing like the ruby laser I had years ago. The ruby laser zapped each dot individually and it hurt like the blazes. It took hours and hours and man it hurt. The VPL did hurt a little bit but it did a whole square at a time instead of one dot. It made the ruby laser seem positively mediaeval.

So I am very hopeful.

In other news, we are booking the tickets for our wedding tomorrow! I need to join the gym, have to wait till bubby's cold goes so he can go to the creche. I want to be a size 12. I need to lose some inches.

For the sake of public humiliation and so I can keep track, my measurements are as follows:
Bust: 39.5, Waist 32.5, Hips 40.0

I clearly remember when my measurements were 36, 25, 36. Wow, times change.

But it can only get better from here right? RIGHT?

A friend of mine just told me today that she is expecting a baby. This pregnancy has been long awaited and the journey hasn't been easy for this couple. But finally they are on their way to parenthood and I am so happy and so excited for them.

Once this baby is born that's all my childhood/school friends that have babies. And I wasn't last, (I was second to last, but I thought I would be last, so that's a bit of a surprise!)

Although, technically I came in last by default because they had a few fertility issues. Doesn't matter now anyway coz now its the whole gang!

I am really looking forward to this baby. Its coming into a good place in the world and will be loved so much. And that's always a happy occasion.

I found a new gym today, it has a creche and nice equipment, it has a day spa attached, so for every 5 kilos I lose I am going to book myself in for a massage and a facial. I am only going to join month by month because I am good at joining but not so good at going, so we will see what happens.

Bubby can go to the gym creche. He will probably enjoy it, he loves other kids, he's a friendly little fellow. I find it quite hard to be away from him, I think I am a bit addicted to him or something. I never seem to need a break from him, I just want to be around him all the time. I don't want to go back to work because I don't like being apart from him. I wonder if this is a first time mum thing or if its something that wears off over time?

He is a very good dancer, bops away, very musical. He tries new moves that I have never seen before, spins around, claps hands, bounces from one foot to the other. It makes me realise that dancing is an inherent human trait, some religions think it comes from the devil but seeing my innocent baby dance so naturally makes me honestly realise that anyone who thinks there is anything evil about it is a nutjob. But to be perfectly honest, I find most religions to have a few stupid man-made rules anyway.

We went to Playgroup today and Baden made friends with the prettiest little girl there. They held hands for a while and walked around, it was so cute. Then I think she might have got a bit tired of him because she led him over to me and walked away. Of course he followed her back to where they had been playing, so she patiently led him back to me and dropped him off again.

It was so funny. Next week I am going to take the camera and see if I can get a photo. She is 2 years old and he is 18 months, but he was a little bit taller than her. I was chatting to the little girl's mother at the time. She asked me how old Baden was, "18 months" I replied. "Gee he's tall" she said...

Yep.

My boy has started calling me Mum. Its a bit late in the day to be doing that at 18 months I think, and probably a bit insulting that he has been saying Dadda for at least ten months and been telling the dogs to "shuddup" for about two months, but I will still happily accept it. Its quite weird because it sort of made it sink in a bit more, that I am his Mum. This is my child, the one I daydreamed about, wondered about, tried to imagine and fervently hoped would exist one day but sometimes got scared that he wouldn't. He's here, in my house. Every day.

It just made one little bit more of the incredulousness chip away and the reality sink in.

I like it. I am his Mum. Just boring old, everyday, ordinary Mum.

It makes it so believable because of its ordinariness. And I love that it's believable, because of course, that makes it true! Sometimes I feel like its a dream, like its too good to be true because he is so beautiful and beautiful, and beautiful, so its been lovely to have it seem so real.

Signed
Baden's mum

My sweet baby just had his first proper haircut. I have previously hacked away at the fluffiest bits but today he had a real proper grown up haircut at the hairdresser. She used the clippers and everything.

He was so quiet. She goes "he's so quiet". People always either say "he's so quiet" or "he's so tall". He sat there in his little Wiggles cape that the lady put on him, watching the Wiggles DVD she played for him and looked fairly solemn during the whole thing. It reminded me of when he met Santa Claus. He doesn't actually know much about the Wiggles because mummy can't stand them so he has been deprived, lol.

So he looks very grown up. He looks about 2. My sweet little boy. Such a nice little boy. He got a balloon for being so good and he was very impressed with that.

We are off to Playgroup today. This is our second foray into the world of Playgroup. The first one was when he was 11 months old and wasn't walking yet so I had to follow him around making sure the bigger kids didn't run him over.

Now that he is 18 months old and he is running everywhere we will go back and hopefully I will be able to sit down and drink cups of tea while he tries to run over some other little kid *joke*

He had his second swimming lesson yesterday. He cried the whole time and I could tell that no information was going in, so after ten minutes I asked for the lesson to end and we won't bother going back until he is older. He loves being in the pool at home so we will try and teach him a few swimming skills at home instead.

My little dog and I seem to be on track with recovering from our traumatic experience. Life is still basically good and it was just one of those challenges that come along and blindside you every now and then. I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I learnt alot and next time will be much different.

My little boy had his first swimming lesson today. I am still processing how I feel about it. He loves the water, love love loves it. But he didn't love his swimming lesson. His love of the water did win against some pretty big asks from him. Asking him to hop in the pool with a stranger and be dunked under and put in unfamiliar situations was met with his usual resilience, but there were the odd moments of discomfort on his face. He was easily distracted from his whingeing because he really does love being in the water, but in the end I decided to ask the instructor to finish the lesson after 15 minutes instead of half an hour. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I can't see how prolonging it has any benefit if he's not enjoying it. He didn't hate it, he just wasn't rapt in it like he usually is when we take him in our pool.

So we go back next week for the second half of the lesson and then I will see if I want him to continue. I know he should, I just don't know if he will at that place just yet.

Here is a picture of him with his latest craze. Honestly, these babies, they just come out as their own little people, it constantly amazes me how individual he is. He has this habit of sticking things behind his dummy. Cotton buds, wool, an old curtain rail, a christmas decoration and there is another one I must try and get a photo of - the double dummy - one dummy tucked in behind the other. He is a bit of a dummy-monster but he doesn't whinge if you take it off him, he will simply go off and come back with one he stashed earlier. Funny little fella.

Well it turns out that my dear little dog was pregnant after all. I called her yesterday morning and she didn't come, so I called her again and she came to me with a little dead puppy in her mouth. Needless to say that yesterday was A Very Bad Day. I cried ALL day, as soon as I stopped for a while I would think of how I let her down and I would start crying again. We went to the vet and she got a shot of oxytocin to make sure her uterus is empty and we will try again soon and next time we will be doing it The Sheridan Way, which is also known as the anally retentive nerdy way, by the book.

I feel like punching myself in the face for relying on a certain person who knows about these things who let me down very badly. I asked this person about 5 times to please come over and check if Apple was pregnant, and I just relied on them too much and they did nothing and I am extremely angry at myself for relying on a stupid unreliable person rather than doing it the way I would normally do it. In fact they did less than nothing because they have the knowledge to help but didn't and furthermore advised me that getting an ultrasound was a waste of money because it should be obvious. Well, it wasn't obvious and I got it wrong, thanks for nothing. I will be trusting my own instincts from now on thanks.

Anyway, this could turn into a rant, but all I will say is that I am a bit broken at the moment and feel like lashing out because the guilt is nearly doing me in. I didnt think she was pregnant so I didn't make any preparations for her, and I know they have them in the wild all the time (thank you dear people who have tried to make me feel better with this *hugs*, but I know in my heart that I let her down and I let her puppy down).

Dear little Apple, next time I will not let you down. Next time I will get you an ultrasound and we will know for sure, and on your due date I will be staying awake all night watching you in your special little whelping box where is warm and safe and private so you can have your babies safely.

Better go, I am very much "not over it" yet.